From oneness to separateness

A post this Sunday afternoon about something not quite doula-related... but baby-related and on my mind.

When clients ask me for a good newborn/parenting book, I often recommend Dr. Sear's The Baby Book. But shh... I've never actually read it entirely (it's a big book, ok?) So, now I am doing the right thing and reading it. And it's wonderful. Baby books, whether the authors admit it or not, are never simply medical manuals for little people, answers for what to do when they have a fever, when they don't stop crying, when they have rashes. They are also very much philosophical treatises on how to handle little people in all their aspects- medical, behavioral, social, psychological. Most parenting books also put love into the equation, acknowledging that parenting is also about love (sounds like a duh, but sometimes, in these books, it's not).

The Baby Book is co-written by a husband and wife team, pediatrician William Sears and nurse and lactation consultant Martha Sears. It's all about love. They are major proponents of a currently rather hip parenting method called Attachment Parenting ("hip" with this explanation: the name is new, the practice among parents is going through a resurgence, the principles are old), based on 7 principles. The Baby Book has the following 7 "Baby B's" (while Attachment Parenting International has a slightly different version). The headings are taken from the book, the parentheses are my quick interpretations/explanations.

1. Birth Bonding -- Connect with your baby early (prepare for your birth, empower yourself to have the birth you want for you and your baby, skin-to-skin attachment as early as possible following delivery, fall in love)
2. Belief in your baby's cries -- Read and respond to your baby's cues (trust that your baby can communicate with you, help your baby develop trust in others and the power of their voice by responding to their communication/taking it seriously. Example: avoid letting them "cry it out" at night)
3. Babywearing -- Carry your baby a lot (safer for preemies than incubators, reduces colic, enhances communication, makes parents' lives easier. Also, come to Metro Minis :)
4. Bedding close to baby (co-sleeping/bed-sharing/sharing sleep. Very controversial, yet almost every parent does it at some point or another, because, as they'll admit as soon as you do, everyone gets a lot more sleep)
5. Breastfeed your baby (do I have to explain?)
6. Beware of baby trainers (this is my personal FAVORITE. Do we eat on a strict schedule, like we think babies should only eat every 3 hours? No. Do we have restrictions on how much time our meals should take, like we think babies can only nurse on one side for 10 minutes? No. Do we force ourselves to "sleep through the night" when we have to go to the bathroom or grab a midnight snack? No. Neither should babies. Watch your BABY, not the clock, or someone else's expectations.)
   
7. Balance and boundaries (the previous 6 B's are a lot about giving and giving and giving. Remember that being a good parent means knowing when it is time to give back to yourself and your marriage so that you actually have the energy and resources to give to your little one again)

I want to write a little thing about common nay-sayer statements and how I would respond, but I'm hesitant, having never actually tried any of this with a child of my own. Screw it. That disclaimer disclaimed, here's the nay-sayers and my responses:

• "My baby's constant crying is ruining my life and my marriage! We're going to start sleep training." If your baby is crying, there's something the baby needs that he is not getting. Trust this. If he is crying an unusual amount during the night- not up all night for one isolated night, not teething or sickness, not his third week of life, etc- there may be something else wrong. Be a baby whisperer. Did she go through birth trauma? Does your baby have food allergies? Did you recently return to work or move or hire a new nanny? Try to address these issues during the day, make minor adjustments if possible to make it easier at night. And yes, sometimes babies cry just because they want to be held. Sometimes I do, too. And then the next night, I'm fine. They'll be fine, too, as long as you listen to them, show them that when they communicate, they deserve to be heard.
  
• "Isn't it unsafe to bed-share?" Studies about bed-sharing injury included cases in which the adult was drinking, doing drugs, or forgot they were sleeping with the baby. Dr. Sears has information about how to safely bed-share.
• "I can't breastfeed for six months/one year/until he self-weans! I have a career. I'm a feminist!" Yeah, the personal is political. This issue is systemic, your barriers to breastfeeding are systemic: there aren't appropriate spaces for breastfeeding at work or in public in general (Would you like your milk pumped in a bathroom stall? Neither would your baby), there isn't appropriate time given. In my own personal feminism, and I think others would agree with me, I want equal opportunity without sacrificing my womanhood. I don't really know how to answer this question, except by saying that this is not an issue mothers can fight as individuals, choosing work without breastfeeding or breastfeeding without work, if they want both. Either way, you're losing the fight- maintaining equal opportunity while losing your womanhood, or vice versa. Tell your boss she can spare the conference room for ten minutes four times a day, she'll be happier when you don't call out of work as often as that woman who couldn't breastfeed because your kids won't get sick as often as hers did. This is something we have to really work on.
• "Won't I spoil the baby if I respond to every cry/let him breastfeed as long as he wants/share my bed?" These practices are only considered to "spoil" babies because we now have the resources to practice separateness. Back in cave-times, for our babies to survive, we had to respond to every cry, we had to breastfeed as long as possible, we had to sleep close to our babies to protect them. Now, we have lots of food and two bedroom apartments without bears that might eat our children. But as humans, our biology has not caught up with our modern advancements. Somewhere deep in your baby's brain, she thinks she is very, very unsafe if you are not listening to her (there are bears!) By being attached to your baby, you are not spoiling him in the sense that you are giving and giving inappropriately. It's actually perfectly appropriate.
  

The nicest thing about The Baby Book is their constant reminders that your child is only a baby for a very, very short time. There is no avoiding the fact that babies have high, high needs. Enjoy this short period where you feel you can respond to those needs immediately with love. You won't have that luxury for long.

"Life is a series of weanings for a child: weaning from your womb, weaning from your breast, weaning from your bed, and from your home to school. The pace at which children go from oneness to separateness should be respected in all these weaning milestones."

Great Success! MMA and CLC

I have two pieces of excellent news. First, The Midwifery Modernization Act passed and was signed into law! This is a big sigh of relief for midwives and their mamas-to-be everywhere.

Second, I recently became certified as a Lactation Counselor! In the training, I learned fascinating, fascinating things about breastfeeding. Here are some of my favorite nuggets of knowledge:

• During pregnancy, your breasts secrete an anti-bacterial oil that protects your baby from germs when he/she begins nursing. This oil appears as the absolute first sign of pregnancy, before you can test positive for pregnancy on a urine or blood test
  
• Newborn babies do not differentiate between feeling full and sucking. As long as they are sucking, they feel full. It is reason, more than "nipple confusion", why pacifier use is discouraged until at least two weeks of age- before this, they might suck and suck and suck, and never cue to you that they are hungry, putting them at the risk of under-feeding
• "Good" babies are weird babies. Ever hear a mom say, "my baby is so good, she never cries, she nurses every four hours for ten minutes exactly, and sleeps 5 hours during the night"? Either this baby is a freak, or this mom is a liar. Because human milk is very dilute (like us, it's about 70% water), babies need to nurse frequently, ideally, every two hours. And if one day, your baby is nursing more than usual, or for longer sessions, your baby is not being "wrong" for getting off "schedule." Babies are like real people: some days, we eat more than others, and sometimes, we eat slower or faster.
  
• The best way to achieve the first latch on is to let the baby self-attach. None of this "shape your breast like a cone and shove the baby's mouth at it" stuff. Self-attachment leads to a better latch, meaning less pain for the mom and more milk for the baby and more chances of breastfeeding success later on. On the rare occasions when mama and baby are left alone after birth, I've seen beautiful self-attachment. Watch the "breast crawl"
  
• Breastmilk is magic. We know that already, but I thought I'd say it again. In many ways, breastfeeding is so crucial to baby's and mom's health that it is quite risky (and medically expensive, later on) to not breastfeed. Here's a recent NY Times article touting its magic
  
• DOULAS! A study found that the more stroking, smiling, and talking a woman receives during labor, the more she strokes, smiles at, and talks to her newborn, leading to more successful hunger-communication and thus, breastfeeding

A Metro Minis co-worker and doula friend of mine, Koyuki Smith, also became a CLC. A drop-in breastfeeding group led by us CD(DONA)s/CLCs is in the works at Metro Minis...